i remembered when i wrote my fourth jamb
exam . The previous day , i was restless.. i
kept answering all the series question over
and over again .. i was especially worried
about i wan take do maths.like for real, this is
my fourth exam mehn.
I woke still feeling uneasy and after the
normal house chores, i informed my dad that i
was going for the exam.
Haha , is it today.. my father asked surprised
as he drank his akamu..
Ehnn..he replied. showing less concern.
They had lost all hope on me and they are
just probably registering me so nobody will
call them names and the fact that i was the
first child and son. My younger sister, who i
was older than her by 6 years, was already in
her final year studying yoruba in a renowned
college of education and here i was still
writing jamb.. Even my o level was the
handiwork of my sister..
.. my first jamb, i spent the registration money
on a party .. the 2nd , i slept off on the d day.
. the third , i got 101 but could not secure
admission anywhere , and this was my fourth
and my last , according to my father, who has
been providing the money for the jamb.
Ok .. bye bye..
I looked on in despair and proceeded to leave.
Come.. he called me back.. take this 200
naira. If its not enough, trek the remaining
Ok sir.. i dared not tell him that the money is
not enough..except i want to hear an epistle
of all my failure and problems in life .
Even when we are watching tv and he asked
me to pass the remote , he always had a way
to use it to insult me..
Pass me the remote… abi , you will shall be
able to pass something.
I wore my kwara united jersey, my neck chain
and good luck shams given to by my ex which
i have been wearing to all my exams ..( .. she
gave me on valentine day as a gift and i love
it so much that after we broke up , i couldn’t
give her back.I then balanced the combo with
my pink carrot jeans and killed the swag
completely with my blue sandals..all these
wears i wore outside the house in an
uncompleted building as na corporate my
papa make sure say i rock comot house.
I was positive of a favorable result this time. I
had engaged in a 3 days personal fasting and
prayer.. it was suppose to be seven days but
because of my ulcer, i had to reduce it to 3
days .. though i made sure drank water and
ate , but just that the food must not have
pepper or palm oil.
I went to see if uncle gbera has any leaked
question paper on ground but none was
available…but having paid him 2k , he said he
was going to send it via sms.
I didn’t rely on him only, i had another source
though that has promised me the answers for
free.. i couldn’t bank on uncle gbera
alone.what if he didn’t send it gain .. f9 nko
I went to the exam center to the admiration of
all and sundry.. Everybody was feeling my
combo.. all the girls were looking at me.
I saw a lot of things.. young young children
that were still suppose to be sucking breasts
were at the exam centers with jamb slips. I
saw one , i could bet he was not more than 12
years.. what was he doing here or how will he
cope if he gets to tertiary institution ?
well.. e no kuku concern me. I quickly
acquainted two girls and we hung around
sharing answers and working out the series..
one even said she stayed in the same area as
mine and when we finish ,we will go home
This was the first sign that this exam was
going to be good because this was the first
time ,i will be catching any girl at the exam
center and oh my God, she was beautiful and
well endowed.. And the mere thought she was
living in my hood and also applying for my
course and university,
… wait.. make i sha finish exam first..
30 mins to exam , the answers arrived..
english , maths, physics, chemistry.. i quickly
dubbed everything in a shorthand code i
personally developed called :’” rexcalligren“.. i
rolled it in a tiny piece of paper and hid it
inside my corner teeth..
The security people were most especially fixed
on me as if i was a criminal .. they searched
and searched.my socks, sandal, chain, shirt..
they even took me inside to check my boxers
Clean.. at last… i dont know why they had to
screen only me thoroughly like that ..even if
na jack bauer dey here, he no fit catch me,..
With nothing but pap in my stomach, i
proceeded to the exam hall.
The invigilator was fierce looking and warned
about cheating, copying ..bla bla bla…
If u are caught..it is 21 years .. he repeated ..
Your father.. i thought to myself ….i go do
this one naa.
And so the exam started.. ..
I prayed and settled down a bit..
I brought out the one containing English and
physics.. i started shading systematically.
Shade small, stop..do like am thinking and
Squeeze face small , write small , do like say i
dey think.. continue shading..
Omo this is the life..
After shading the first two rapidly, within 30
mins i was through.. Next, i searched for the
maths and for the physics answer stuff. I
couldn’t find it. Haha .. why this .. i searched
and searched .my pocket, boxers, socks…. this
was even the one i needed most nke.
I could not hold back the sweat. The thing
must have fallen down somehow while those
fools were searching.. i hope they dont find it
Well i had no choice.. i used the small
knowledge i had in physics to manipulate the
physics question and did the best i could ..
mostly , a b b a c d dc .. ..
However, the maths.. i could not afford to do
same, that will make two subjects i answered
by guessing.. i tried to see if i could attempt
any of the question.. omo , na lie oo.. from
Pythagoras theorem, to mode, to mean , to
longitude and latitude to sets, everything was
a “blank” back to back…
I kept biting my lips ,sweating. The person by
my side was a girl ..she don dey behave
somehow since she saw pull out the “orinjo”
wey i dey write ,so my ego no fit allow me ask
am. As time was going, i had no choice than
quickly use reflex action to look the bro wey
dey my front. He was shading rapidly and
Bro…….bro.. my guy dey initially form deaf..
He still kept shading.
Not until i tapped him ..Bro bro abeg,,
He then hummed.
Thanks boss.. The one you are answering.. na
maths abi.. i asked carefully almost
whispering as the hungry looking civil defense
roamed around like wounded lions. It was as if
they had not been paid their salary.if you look
back, you go fill form.. your biro fall, u wan
pick am , u write exam finish be that.
Na maths abi..
Humm humm.. he nodded in the affirmative..
Bro abeg help me shift am small, make i see
chance copy am..
He obliged and did so.
Without wasting any further time, i started
shading. Chai, this guy good gan oo.. one
question no dey take am pass 1 mins. I felt
fulfilled and happy as i shaded it all. Thank
God oo.if to say na girl con dey my front too
nkor or one olodo wey no sabi anything ??
Well even if the choko fail. God will make a
way. I sang the song , he is a miracle working
God quietly in my mind.i sat back and saw
people biting their lips, sweating profusely,
looking at the ceiling as if say na dere answer
dey. Me i just dey smile.
Read una no go read , be smart , una no go
I bowed my head and prayed to God for the
successful exam especially the troublesome
Not until the invigilator came and shouted, 4
Shior, if una like make una talk say 2 seconds
more, me i don finish this one naa.
4 mins more…….
.It was this time that i noticed the guy in my
front was just writing his offered subjects on
the answer booklet since the exam started.
The mumu guy no gree no write am since sef.
English ..yes.. government.. hmmmn hmmn ,
I got the shock of my life when he wrote the
last subject …
It seemed like i saw something like commerce.
Are my eyes deceiving me..
i checked again .. COMMERCE.
Bro . bro. I was almost shouting as i called
Bro u said you are shading maths, u said
maths… I said in a trembling voice .
This time., he looked back and said
My God, i said maths now..
Hey what is happening there ..
Oya two of you come and submit, the exam
kuku don finish..rascals.. i have been looking
at you two since.Oya, submit b4 i tear your
script.. The invigilator roared as he angrily
snapped our scripts off our hands.
We submitted and left the venue..
I challenged the unfortunate fellow who gave
me the wrong answer..
“You know i was focused and not
concentrating on you or any other thing… i
thought u said commerce ..u said the maths
like commerce “ He said without showing an
iota of emotion or compassion.
sorry oh “ he said and left.
He was much older and stong, if not. . God
knows i could have killed him that day. There
was nothing i could do to him as he walked
away to buy gala and lacasera to chill off.
chai ..I bit my lips.. well in everything, Give
Thanks.. At least , i have english and
chemistry , i pray God help me in those ones.
I was still ruminating on this when i started
hearing discussions that the exam came with
a unique type..
which one be type again.. ??
On further research , i discovered that the
questions were rearranged according to four
designated types – red , blue, black and green.
What the Bleep ?? .. i checked my answer
booklet to find the types i was alloted.
English na green, physics na black.. .. .. .. My
heart was beating fast as i rushed to check my
phone for the answers sent..probably dem put
type too .. what if dem no put am ?? hah..
they had better put it ni o..
By the time i checked … it was boldly written
in Capital letters beneath the answers ..
english type Red…. physics type Red..
I could see the girl i acquainted staring at me,
smiling from the other opposite hall..
By this time, the thought of the girl had
dissapeared from my mind… hah.. it is
finished for me ke. patapaata.. there is no
I couldnt resist placing my hand on my head
as hot tears formed in my eyes when i realised
Who forget this paper here .. i could heard the
voice from inside the exam hall i just left..
I checked my pocket.. it was then i realized
that even the English and physics choko i
used, i had careless left it on the table after i
I said who left this paper here.. the invigilator
It was the boy in the jersey… a girl voiced
out.it was my mumu seat partner.
That one that just left now ..he asked ..
Ehn , i knew it.. where is he ?? ..
Before he could do shian, i had taken to my
heels and dissapeared leaving behind the
chick i should have paroled .In the rush rush, i
lost my phone and 300 naira .. i had to trek
home, half alive , half dead .
How was it ?? my father immediately i
It was fine sir .. i said as i quickly devoured
the eba and three days old ewedu soup with
ponmo , my sister cooked down for me .
It had better be fine ?? .. He replied with all
And when the result came out.. It was like my
paper type.. RED .. RED.. I Had 69 as my
overall score …
And truly as my father stated , that was
indeed the last jamb i ever did as i was not
fortunate to meet with the CBT model.
Thus, It is with immense joy that i invite all to
my freedom ceremony .. i am happy to inform
u all that i am a proud electrical cum
mechanical engineer from ogoku and sons
electrical wiring international limited. For all
wiring and electrical issues, am the one to be
Probably am going to apply for jamb later ….
probably in the next world.
Till then , i need to go and gather the 24
thousand oga said we go use do freedom.
Written by a nairalander “CLASScaptin”